Sunday, February 08, 2015
It's a manifesto to being a grown up who's still not a grown up. I'd like to be able to say that my clean laundry isn't strewn about my bed, waiting in vain for days to be put away. But I'm just going to go ahead and celebrate the small victory of having clean clothes. I'd also like to pretend that my bank account didn't make me cringe everytime I see it. But I have a home, I have food, I have video games, a laptop, the worlds comfiest bed, every book that my heart desires, and an awesome car. I'm lucky to have things that I want. Money is great, but having it is not the pinnacle of being a said 'adult'.
I spent the weekend hanging out with my friends, as I usually do. In fact, it's what I do most weekdays also. I should have probably spent more time doing homework, but you know what? I have a 4.0, and my homework is done now. I work 40 hours a week, so what if I love going to a bar with my buddies and drinking draft beer all night. I get my ass up when I need to go to work, just like I get my ass up every Friday morning for Yoga (and it's a cute bum, too, because of it).
I'm not going to let my brain try and defeat me with all these small things that seem like such an adult fail, but really aren't. I'm actually doing alright. I'm not an adult fail! ... I think. :)
Posted at 06:01 pm by Lexington
Friday, December 05, 2014
I would really like to post a nice long post about all the things I'm feeling right now, but I had a 20 hour homework marathon all day yesterday, plus finals at school today plus work. Now it's almost 1:30AM and I'm tired. So I think what I will do is copy what I just posted onto Facebook. I just really feel like this immensely overwhelming feeling I have right now should be documented in my blog. It's big for me:
I'm going to have a proud-of-myself and grateful-for-you-all moment here:
Well folks, my life really did its damndest this year to try and bring me down, but somehow I've managed to push through despite everything pulling in the opposite direction and complete my first full year back at school. This year I've had the hardest and most mentally and logistically challenging breakup I've ever had, and those close to me know the personal and somewhat harrowing family things that are going on in my life, too. All that plus not really knowing where I was going to live for a time... I'm really amazed that I was able to keep a 4.0.
NONE of these things would I have been able to overcome and defeat if it weren't for the family and friends who have been here for me. I'm so immensely grateful. Like really, words cannot even explain how much it means to me that I have people like you in my life. You've all literally saved me, and I would be nothing without you. I'm totally overwhelmed with how lucky I am. I don't even know how I got so lucky. Some of you are new friends, some are old friends who have come back into my life, some of you are friends who have never left. As for my family, well, you all know who you are. Then there's my fabulous angel of a co-worker who is nice enough to let me inhabit her basement. I love you all more than I could ever express and I honestly don't know what would have happened to me if it weren't for the support and love I was and still am somehow lucky enough to receive from you.
I wish words could do a better job of describing this all. But alas, words are what you get, all wrapped up in a nice package made of I-will-always-return-the-favor-forever-until-the-end-of-time-whenever-you-need-me.
Posted at 01:17 am by Lexington
Wednesday, November 05, 2014
So life, right? LIFE! Life is crazy, and awesome, and it sometimes sucks, and it sometimes rocks. I am to a place that I'm really happy about the times that it rocks, but I also realize the immense value in the times that it is less than ideal. I don't really know exactly what changed, if anything, but I've gotten to this mental state in the past month or two of just being well... happy. I'm really grateful to all the people who are in my life, and I'm also really grateful for the people who have come and gone. Even the not-so-great people. There's a lesson to learn from everyone, and I'm just glad to be here to learn them and to grow. There is no reason for me to feel bitter, or anguished, or jealous, or inadequate, or angry, or anything like that. Once you get to an inner peace there really is no going back. Sure, sure, I have my days where I'm not perfectly happy. But through all my many ordeals I've always known the stillness in me was there somewhere, I've never really lost it, though there have for sure been times where I didn't feel it as strongly as others. But now it is bigger than ever, and I just feel nothing but love and happiness. I've never felt so consistently good than I do now. Even though there are a thousand things in my life that try to bring me down, I just remain still and smile. I'm not afraid of adversity, I've been through so much in my life already: Parental divorce, major surgery, losing friends, lots and lots of heartbreak, miscarriage, homeless mother, drug addicted brother. And that's just to name a few. I could let those things really drag me down, and I could use any of them as excuses to not shine as brightly as I can, but that's not the choice that I am making. I'm not letting any past or current hurts affect the person who I am, and the person who I want to be. I've done my fair share of really messed up things to people too. But I'm not afraid of my past, or anything that I've done. I'm an open book, I'm vulnerable and I'm not scared. Life is waaaay to short to be scared, or bitter. I choose to not spend my time feeding things like that. Sometimes you have to just accept the hurt that has happened to you, hike up your shorts, trudge on through. And never look back.
There are many things in my life that could use some improving, indeed. But it doesn't get me down anymore. I'm spending my energy and full attention on things that are good and right and that interest me and that I value. I'm spending my attention on people and things that I love and that love me too. There's really no easier way to be happy. I feel sad for any of the times where I felt out of touch with this extremely releasing feeling.
I think a large part of it could be finally being broken free from what I've deemed 'the triangle'. The vicious and really messed up cycle that I was somehow caught in for years between Josh and his ex (then not ex, then ex, then not ex...) YEAH. That. It's very releasing to finally have come to terms with the damage that was done to each of us for many years. And I'm definitely still working through things, in fact, I probably will always be 'working on things' in association with that. Just the plain and simple fact that I was so damn young when it all began, it's a very large part of who I am, and who even knows all the consequences that it had on my brain and psyche throughout all of those years of development. But just the feeling of FINALLY being free of it, of all of it. It was really holding me back from experiencing a more fulfilling life. I simply couldn't be a normal, happy, healthy individual (particularly in other relationships) while I was so caught up on my first love. It was all just really screwed up, and I doubt any of us are particularly proud of it. But I am finally able to talk about it, I've spent months in contemplation about it. I'm not angry about it, I'm not happy about it, but more than anything I'm just glad that I was able to learn from it, and that I'm no longer a part of it, too.
And whether it is coincidence, or related, or none of the above, I find that I can't deny the power of the fact that I finally feel like a healthy person. There are many things at play here, as well. It's crazy what opening your heart to a true vulnerability will do. So many of my friends have opened up their hearts to me, too, and we are all so much closer than we've ever been. They are the ones who I spend my love and focus on. Yes, there are some romantic interests, but I am not so foolish as to be ready for another commitment for some time. I'm not exactly opposed to the idea, but whatever happens will happen differently than any of my other relationships. If I've learned anything it is to not repeat the same mistake twice. So anything that hasn't worked for me in the past (i.e. jumping into a relationship too soon, letting emotions control me, moving in together before marriage) I'm not going to repeat. Hopefully it lands me somewhere good eventually. But for now I'm just taking it easy, and focusing on where my heart takes me. I have a bunch of little people in my life right now, too, who I just adore. My 3 and 5 year old roommates melt my heart each and every day. I've softened my heart back to being okay with having kids in my future. It took a while to get back to that place after I had made the decision to not have kids, but now I feel like I could really go either way. And I'm glad that I have both options available to me.
Anyway, I should be doing homework. I just got distracted.
It's with a happy heart that I leave you.
Posted at 11:22 pm by Lexington
Sunday, November 02, 2014
instincts are an asshole sometimes.
Posted at 04:29 am by Lexington
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
I know I'm not the only one
It used to be so much easier to add colored text back to my blog! But I figured it out. It really isn't hard, but it definitely isn't as easy as it used to be.
So, what's to say? I don't have a purpose for writing other than a general wanting to. Everything I think about writing about right now just seems so insignificant. Do any of you know that feeling? I'm certain I'm not alone in it. I fully realize that I'm just an ant in the grand scheme of things, if that. But alas, I can only set my mind free to ponder the great vastness of everything, words and blogging confine me to insignificance.
So what's insignificantly going on in my tiny little world? All monetary things aside (like school and work) I'm getting by okay. Lately I've been trying to put a finger on exactly what my strengths are and exactly what is it that I really love doing. And asking myself if I'm actually doing what I love. It is a good way to think, but it gives me a little anxiety. Because, well, what DO I love?? It's a tough question, actually. Is it easy for you to answer? I've been able to come up with a couple of things and here they are:
I love to take care of people, and do what I can to make them feel accepted.
I love to encourage the passion in others.
Generally, I just love to understand people.
I love to see a problem from as many different perspectives as possible.
I love to make order out of chaos, I know I work well under pressure.
I love to ponder big questions.
So those are just a few of the more vague things. Some of the things that I'm pretty certain that I'm good at, or where some of my strengths are:
I'm good at keeping cool and being rational, I wish more people were.
I know I'm good at being logical.
I am good at being precise and meaning what I say.
I can be a strong leader, though I tend to not gravitate towards being so.
I'm very good at being a motivator for others.
I'm extremely intuitive, and can usually understand most situations very quickly.
So those are just some things I've been pondering, but even just writing it all, I feel so very self-centered. But I can't help it! I'm stuck in this me. And I have to figure out some things. I know I want something more than average. I know I'm destined for something bigger than that. Maybe everyone gets this feeling, but I don't know if I really believe that. I just am not going to settle for that. It won't sit right with me, and anyway I'm certain that it isn't where I'm headed anyway.
I'm just trying to figure out what I need to do in my life to guide it towards this feeling that I feel deep down in the depths. There are some exciting things happening in my life right now that do light a fire in me, and give me hope for a greater something. But that's nothing more than hope right now, and hope doesn't come as easy to me as it once did. I've learned the hard way about letting fire into your life, it can burn, burn, burn you if you hold it too close. So now hope is a very closely monitored and guarded thing for me. And anyway, that terrifying, and exhilarating, and beautiful fire is only a single potential piece to the puzzle. The biggest and greatest things will come from my own personal doing, not from any outside source. Going to school and having direction, in that respect, helps make me feel like I'm making some amount of progress towards a more ultimate experience, so that is not to be frowned upon. But again, that's only just a piece of the puzzle. Even I don't know what I'm looking for some days. I know I want to travel more. I need to be able to see more of the world to better understand myself and my place in it. But you need money for that! And to make more money, I either need to go to school, or get famous. I'm definitely not planning on being famous. It's a vicious cycle, but I'm doing okay at not feeling stuck in it. If you've figured out a way to break this vicious cycle, will you let me know?
I feel like I'm such a bundle of contradictions sometimes. They say you are either a Type 'A' personality or Type 'B'. Focused, determined, get-what-you-want, or free, untethered, go-with-the-flow. I swear I'm both. Although I would say I gravitate more towards the Type 'B'. Is there something in my life that maybe I need to let go of in order to live more closely to the way I feel I should be? I just don't know. Being a human is hard some days. I should really start meditating again. It's been a long time, and I know I get stuck in my head.
I know that I'm living now. I refuse to be one of those people that are always waiting for their life to start. This IS my life, I just need to keep making sure that it is as close to how I want it to be as possible. Really, the biggest thing I feel is missing right at this exact juncture is travel. So maybe I'll try to work on that. If it's important to me then I know I can find a way to make it happen. So okay. Thanks blog, you helped me a LITTLE bit to figure out the next, small step. I need to get a passport, stat.
There was probably more to say. More I wanted to say, and some things that I probably left really vague because I know how badly I probably just tangented there. But oh well. No promises on when I'll be back, blogdrive, but you know I adore you.
Posted at 12:34 pm by Lexington
Monday, June 16, 2014
There was once a time when I could change the colors of my entry, but I can't figure it out now. And I used to also be able to make paragraphs. What happened? Booo.
So I was thinking about just how much I despise humans sometimes. I'm thinking specifically about tough break-ups and how awful it is that humans hurt each other like that. On a very deep level, emotionally. Other animals don't 'break-up' and hurt each other. Right now it just making me dislike our species. Now I know, I know, I know that there are those individuals out there right now who say that humans are great because of our capacity for the deep emotions. But you just go away because I'm not particularly in the mood for your enthusiasm, sir/madame. It is simply cruel that we have the ability to share a life and future with someone and then just walk away. It has happened to me, and I have also been the one doing the taking away. I'm so scared of it ever happening again; being the receiver or the one who takes it away. I already regret using the word scared, but I'm going to leave it. I dislike the thought of being 'scared' of something, like it has some sort of power over me... I'm going to try to not let that happen. It is just that I so totally want to never again feel the way that I do, or make anyone else feel this way. I'm talking specifically about relationships, although it may apply in some other context too. I, quite naturally, don't want anymore failed relationships! Right at this exact moment in time I feel like I just got so totally screwed up by my last relationship that I almost don't want to ever try again. It really feels like I was divorced. Like I had my whole future planned, I had a pretty good idea that I believed with my whole heart of what my life would be. And, well, then it was... gone. I somehow have made it out of this alive, but damn it if I ever somehow find my way back to this place. Or put someone in this place! Arrrrghhh, nasty, brutal humans. Why is commitment such a challenge for some people? NEWSFLASH! Life isn't easy, relationships aren't easy! Nothing is easy! Being able to stand by your decisions and commitments is not always going to be easy and/or fun and/or pleasant. It would just be wonderful if there were more people that took things seriously. If we didn't all fuck each other over so often then maybe there could be a little more trust and effort that went into these things. But alas, I live in the real world and recognize that this person is not someone that you come across everyday. And I am most definitely still learning how to be that person. And how do you know if you really have met that person? How can you be REALLY sure of this person? I'll tell you how! You can't. But what you CAN do is make yourself vulnerable and have a little thing called trust, and you better be hoping and praying with all you got that you have given your trust to someone who will cherish it and take reallyextrasupermega good care of it. Because if they don't then welcome back to my world! Back to square one. Back to the beginning, back to the start, back from whence you came! And good riddance! But hey, at least you will have good company (don't flatter yourself, Lexie!). Well, the writing helps, if nothing else. Just a place to let this crap out. I do apologize for the crap, readers. I'm just in a dark sort of mindset. This is what happens when I get inside my head! I've been keeping myself busy lately, which has helped immensely. But put me alone in a room with my thoughts and the laptop and I guess this is what you get. It will have to do.
Posted at 12:43 am by Lexington
Thursday, May 29, 2014
Even When I Lose I'm Winning
Reality decided to go ahead and flip flop on me in the recent past. I'm kinda just dizzy right now, I know that I am okay, well.... I WILl be okay. It's like I'm just kinda being tossed into a whole different future and there isn't really much for me to grab onto, I just have to wait and see where the chips will fall. I feel like an observer of my own life.
Hah, I can't believe that I didn't write at all in 2013. Now that I think of it, I think that I've been in this storm for a really, very long time and I'm just now breaking out of it. I feel like this is the last stretch of the storm that I've been caught in for years. It's all very crazy right now in my life. Oh that is just hilarious,the song that just came on says "my mind is spinning around and around and around" Down in a Cold Dirty Well by Justin Nozuka. That was so appropriate!
You'll all have to be kind and forgiving to your Lexie, she is quite pensive right now. It's been a while since she has written, and especially in her current state of affairs, reaching into this side of herself may cause some questionable and likely dark emotions. We'll see where this ends up. I've been so inside my own head that even writing feels like an odd outlet.
/Sigh. I definitely have a hole in me right now. I'm not feeling very depressed though, so that is good. I feel strangely free, actually. I really don't know if that is healthy or not, but it probably is. I do feel like there are still so many adventures out there with my name on them.
I don't really want to do the whole "catch-the-blog-up-with-my-recent-past" thing, I was really happy most of the that time, Josh and I finally made our way back to each other. There is so much about Josh that never got written about. We had a life built up, I was found and so happy that we were finally making it work. It was all very sweet, and then it also became very confusing for a time, then it became deeper and even dark, then it ripped me apart. Really really hard. I'm still sad thinking about that. Josh exited my heart and soul with a tearing rip. He had been in there for such a very long time. I'm so sorry for all those out there who's heart gets seriously burned. And I'm also so sorry for any of those whose heart I burned. It feels like a physical pain, having your heart broken. How absolutely terrible that we can do that to each other. We can just leave a burning wreckage of our lovers heart behind us and in the dust.
So that sucked. I spent a week in misery, and then I decided to not be miserable because that is just ridiculous. Sure, I may be sad and withdrawn sometimes, I'm still processing the huge loss. But I am not miserable. I am in 'take-care-of-lexie' mode. My Dad and I have decided that's what it is called. Oh, my wonderful, perfect Daddy. Oh crap I might cry... he has been just my rock, my angel, my anchor. I would be so screwed without him. We have the best conversations. He is comfort itself. And I am so... well there are absolutely no words for the magnitude of grateful I feel for him.
There are other things besides Josh, however, that are contributing to this whole free-fall that I've been in. It's just most aspects of my life, KINDA. It's so weird, on the one hand there are sooo many things in my life that I am grateful for and even succeeding in, but then there are other aspects that are completely out of whack and not going well. There were just a lot of things that happened in my life in a very short amount of time. Quite honestly, my whole life has changed in the matter of 2 months. Almost all of it involuntarily too, it's not like I really asked for any of this, it is just occurring.
Hitting rock bottom is kinda nice. I know how depressing that sounds, but it really makes you feel like if you can survive this then you'll be okay. It's a cliche, but I can only go up from here. So that is a good thing.
In other news: I have a 4.0 GPA. Can I get a woot woot? Yes yes, I went back to school. It's exciting. I'm trying to not let anything get in the way of the motivation I feel in my life right now. So far, so good. I am so determined about this whole school shenanigan. It's a fact that I'm going to pursue this dream. That's about the best case scenario.
I have nothing more right now, blogdrive. You never let me down. I always, always, always say I am going to come back soon, and I never do. Why do I do you like that, blogdrive? Forgive me, baby? Baby. Don't be like that. You think I don't know that we've been together more than 10 years? Okay, tell you what, I'll try again next week. But won't it just be exhilarating if I come back before then...? Don't let that suspense kill you, kk?
Posted at 10:40 pm by Lexington
Saturday, June 02, 2012
Well I've done it again; I've gone months on end without writing a blog entry. I really don't know why I do that.
I feel nervous and shaky-ish. What should I tell you about my life right now? I guess to sum it up nervous and shaky-ish does pretty good justice! But really that isn't entirely true. Such as can be expected from life, mine has been up and down. Of course, I've been learning things about myself, as is also to be expected from life.
I've been in a dark mindset the past few weeks, I really don't like it but it's actually presenting a real challenge for me. I'm used to being able to talk my way out of feeling bad; I can tell myself that I am stronger than that, etc., etc. But this time is different, life is really kicking my butt! See, that is what I do; I make jokes. I'm starting to realize that I use humor as a way to lessen the situation, lest anyone think that I can't handle my own problems! :/ Yeah, I need a shrink.
Really, this whole thing is just me coming to terms with a reality that I never thought existed. I was stupid and extremely naive to think that it didn't. Just to really dig down to the core of it, that is the truth. But it has infected every other aspect of my life. Nothing seems the same. I am having a hard time being as care-free and finding the joy in the little things, I feel like every other depressed person in the world.
Honestly people, I promise you that I am trying to pull through, I really really am trying, but I'm actually reaching that point that I don't think I can do it all alone. I have a way of not letting people get way close to me (another thing I have learned about myself through all this). I have a hard time actually showing someone that I have a weakness, I'm sure lot's of people do. But I have grown up with people that have no problem showing EVERY SINGLE weakness about themselves... constantly. So I think I have some natural aversion to even showing a slight weakness, and that is what is making me feel so alone ( and also what is making me feel like I need a shrink! ).
Anyway, maybe I'm just having one gigantic pity party. And maybe I'll get over it soon, I don't know. Like I was saying though, something happened that made everything come crashing down, I'm not just entirely crazy. I guess it is best that it happened now instead of later though. Everyone probably experiences at least one big hurt in their lives that changes everything. I know for damn sure that I have caused that hurt in others in the past, maybe my time was due for this. It's not like I'm a bad person, I'm certainly not, but I think this all has happened for a reason, I'm just still trying to sort out exactly what that reason is.
I'm doing what I can to repair the hole in the boat though, I just have a lot more water to bail out now. (hey, that's a good one.)
Posted at 01:06 am by Lexington
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
I got my feet on the ground
I forgot to tell about my promotion like I said I would!
This whole promotion to a manager ordeal has been going on since sometime last year. It was up in the air, and then they decided to give somebody else the position. Usually they do not promote managers within the store, they usually will transfer you to another store. Last month another position became available at my store, and after some string pulling from my store manager the higher ups gave her the go ahead to promote me. SO I get the best of both worlds! I get to work in my store that I have always, and I get a pay raise. :)
It has been great so far, I really like it. I am definitely learning a lot. There is a whole world of managing that I never really though of before, so it is really nice to have something to challenge myself to become better at. There are certainly some days where it is a little bit scary to have that much responsibility, but I try to turn each experience into a learning one. I feel like my time is being put to much better use now.
I am happy and grateful that I was able to get the position. They pay raise has helped me out a lot too.
Posted at 12:03 pm by Lexington
Monday, September 26, 2011
Is it weird that I feel like I am ready to begin the journey of making a family of my own? Because more and more lately that idea has been appealing to me. I'm becoming more aware of my readiness to start that part of my life. Maybe it has something to do with living in Utah, but whatever the reason, it is true. I have recently begun my journey back into the church, which is not necessarily related to my topic now, but it does make me wonder. Because the whole church thing is part of a bigger scheme to sort of shape my life into what I really want it to be, and now I'm beginning to think that opening that door is also opening other doors into what I know I want to be. And I know I want a family, I have always wanted that. Above all things, for sure. And now more than ever that idea is something that I am thinking of as a real possibility, an attainable goal. Call me old-fashioned.
It's all actually quite astonishing (even to myself) that I am willing to write about this, but truly, I have no doubt in my mind that I am being sincere. I am just following my heart, as much as I can. It never leads me astray :) I know that my saying these things would seem silly to some people, but those are honestly the type of people that I am finding are slowly fading out of my life, by my own doing as much as theirs. Let's just put it this way, the people who are in my life now are people who influence me in positive ways, and support my decisions. Because I know that I am making the right decision for me, and I am guided by the insight I get from my prayers, as well as my common sense.
Anyway, I need to start getting ready for work. I just felt compelled to write a little.
Posted at 09:44 am by Lexington