I forgot to tell about my promotion like I said I would!

This whole promotion to a manager ordeal has been going on since sometime last year. It was up in the air, and then they decided to give somebody else the position. Usually they do not promote managers within the store, they usually will transfer you to another store.  Last month another position became available at my store, and after some string pulling from my store manager the higher ups gave her the go ahead to promote me. SO I get the best of both worlds! I get to work in my store that I have always, and I get a pay raise. :)

It has been great so far, I really like it. I am definitely learning a lot. There is a whole world of managing that I never really though of before, so it is really nice to have something to challenge myself to become better at. There are certainly some days where it is a little bit scary to have that much responsibility, but I try to turn each experience into a learning one. I feel like my time is being put to much better use now.

I am happy and grateful that I was able to get the position.  They pay raise has helped me out a lot too.

That's all!

Is it weird that I feel like I am ready to begin the journey of making a family of my own? Because more and more lately that idea has been appealing to me. I'm becoming more aware of my readiness to start that part of my life. Maybe it has something to do with living in Utah, but whatever the reason, it is true. I have recently begun my journey back into the church, which is not necessarily related to my topic now, but it does make me wonder. Because the whole church thing is part of a bigger scheme to sort of shape my life into what I really want it to be, and now I'm beginning to think that opening that door is also opening other doors into what I know I want to be. And I know I want a family, I have always wanted that. Above all things, for sure. And now more than ever that idea is something that I am thinking of as a real possibility, an attainable goal. Call me old-fashioned. It's all actually quite astonishing (even to myself) that I am willing to write about this, but truly, I have no doubt in my mind that I am being sincere. I am just following my heart, as much as I can. It never leads me astray :) I know that my saying these things would seem silly to some people, but those are honestly the type of people that I am finding are slowly fading out of my life, by my own doing as much as theirs. Let's just put it this way, the people who are in my life now are people who influence me in positive ways, and support my decisions. Because I know that I am making the right decision for me, and I am guided by the insight I get from my prayers, as well as my common sense. Anyway, I need to start getting ready for work. I just felt compelled to write a little. -Alexis

I'm in an orange mood I decided.

So I was told that I should write here more. And I guess I will since I have an audience! Haha, I just feel like I usually don't have enough to say, or what I do have to say most of the time is trivial. But I do still need to write about all the fun things I have done this summer.

My summer was kicked off with Vegas with my aunt Jennee during Memorial weekend.  We had been planning that trip for about a year, so I was SUPER excited for it.  It was the first time I had been to Vegas since I've turned 21. They say what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas... and I'm going to keep it that way lol.  However, I will tell the main events. I was so nervous the day we were leaving!  Mostly just because I get nervous anytime I am going to an unfamiliar place, it is normal for me.  I really hate being new to something.  I enjoy things much more when they become familiar to me.

 So Jennee and I arrived at the airport in SLC and had a drink, boarded the plane. I love flying, so the plane ride was good, and that first glimpse of Vegas was awesome! The first 2 nights we stayed at Bally's, which is alright, I enjoyed it.  First thing we did after we checked in was walking the strip, it was pretty late at night, so we didn't do much after that, just went back to the hotel room and stuff.  My favorite part of the trip was all the pool days I think, I just love being around water and being out in the sun in my bikini, I mean, who doesn't? 

Vegas is SO fun, everybody is just there to have a good time, and the atmosphere is awesome. Anyway, it's all kinda just one big day stretched into four, so trying to chronologically order things after our first morning out at the pool will probably be a little difficult for me (not to mention hazy!). We ate a lot of great meals, saw Daniel Tosh live stand-up, which was awesome, walked the strip a BUNCH, went to a couple way fun clubs, stayed at the Aria, swam, drank, and basically I just partied my little heart out and loved every second of it.

Going home was sad.

When I got back from Vegas my roommate's (Heather, btw) boyfriend was in town from Georgia so I got to meet him, and we all partied for a little while.

Gee, I hate to say it, but Vegas, in a way, kinda changed me!  That sounds so lame, but let me explain: I have always been a sort of introverted type of person, I kept mostly to myself, and didn't really have a vast network or friends. But Vegas showed me how much I really enjoy being on the go, and socializing, basically I just realized that I could be having a lot more fun with my life. I don't necessarily mean partying all the time, but just having more friends, and doing more things, just getting out there more.  So I have been!  And I'm experiencing more enjoyment from my life than I ever have!  I am filling up my life with memories as well as great people :) And those who I meet who turn out to not be so great?  I drop em' like their hot.  I'm just trying to surround myself with people who inspire me in some way to be better.

So I did a lot of partying, pool day's with friends, volleyball, had a couple house parties, dinner with friends, drinks, pool days with family.  Reunited with some cool oldies, made a couple good newies, hit it off with Bryson, my old school friend from Farmington that I haven't seen in years (sexy, sweet guy he is...yoda speak, I do).  Man, it is all hard to break down because I have literally done TONS of things since I got back from Vegas. 

One mentionable person in particular that I have reunited with is another person who I grew up with in Farmington, Parker.  She is so sweet and awesome.  It's been a while since I've really connected with another girl, but her and I seem to really get along.  She definitely has a lot going for her, and she is ALWAYS doing something or another that she invite's me to, I'm so grateful to have her in my life! We have a lot of fun together, she is a good girl.  Awesomeness in particular is her 150 foot slip n slide with BBQ's after and hottub at her house, as well as boating practically every weekend. Really, I love this girl. :)

So this Bryson guy, he is also pretty mentionable in my book. We have a lot of fun together, and I think we will always be pretty close now.  At least I hope we will. He's so nice to me, he thinks I always deserve top shelf EVERYTHING, and he treats me like it!  Really, what else could a girl ask for?  He believes in me, and thus, I believe in myself.  He holds me in such at such a high standard, I can't really help but to also hold myself in that standard (not that I didn't really already, but even higher does he inspire me).  We are just dating at this point, but I do very much like him and the way he makes me feel. He is very smart and responsible, and him and I seem to share many of the same values and long term goals. I also really like the fact that him and I grew up together, we dated in sixth grade!!! haha. But really, I enjoy that him and I know a lot of the same people, and know the same areas etc. Um, don't let me forget to mention that he is also insanely good looking. ;) 

Well I have a phone interview in a few minutes, I will tell about that if things progress further with it.

Loves,

Lexie

I have had such an amazing summer so far! I am very tired right now, had a good long summer day... again. However, I feel very thankful right now for all the (gee, how can I put this without sounding way mormon?? haha, I can't really) many blessings that have come my way. I felt I should write.

Seriously, I almost can't believe how great things are for me. It makes me feel very humble that I should be able to enjoy all the things that I do. I have wonderful family and friends, and without them, my happiness simply would not be the same. I have made alot of new friends this summer, as well as renewed a few great friendships from my past. I'm starting to realize that it is really all about family, I love my family so much! I also am very excited to have a family of my own, one day. 

Anyway, I think I will write later about all the fun things I have been doing, as well as the people I have been doing them with. But right now I am tired, and I really just wanted to talk about the way I feel. Which is mostly just gratitude.. hey I have a good tired idea! I'll make a list (what an easy way out, Lexie) :/

I feel:

loved
grateful
humble
loving
beautiful
motivated
excited
ready
energetic (maybe not currently...)
reflective
happy
found
in tune
healthy
strong
prepared


Basically, I feel like this is a good time in my life. All of those times when things are going badly and I think to myself, "this will pass, one day things will be how I want them", I feel like I am there. Of course, that state of being is evolving as I go, but I simply listen to what my heart tells me, and I have a hell of a lot of confidence in my heart. It has never really failed me... literally!

Okay, that's prob a good place to stop.

Loves,
Lexie

Oi, I sure do love being a Pisces.  The waters can get dicey sometimes, especially in my own head, but overall I certainly am glad I am a Pisces.  These are some things that make me feel Pisces, indeed:

I can relate to anybody, and sympathize with most
I get SO inside my own head sometimes, I am my best friend, and worst enemy
I will ALWAYS pick up on your emotions, so try to be happy, kk?
I'm a very loyal friend, but close to impossible to get in touch with
I find beauty in all things
I am a very creative person, I almost never get very bored
I can get myself stuck in some pretty precarious situations, mostly because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings
I never want to hurt someones feelings, but if i do, I try to do it from a distance (and only ever out of necessity) because I feel others feelings so well, if I hurt yours, I will surely feel hurt too
But on the flip side, if I have been stewing inside about reasons I am unhappy, and any of them having to do with you, I will eventually lash out, and can be pretty harsh
I fantasize about the way things will be in the future, but it takes an anchor for me (most of the time) to really make those things a reality
I am in love with the most beautiful Scorpio.... all the rumors are true :)
I can be a bundle of contradictions
If you ask me, "What's wrong?" Most of the time I will say nothing, but I'm probably boiling on the inside
I will do almost anything to avoid conflict and confrontation
Even if that means avoiding my problems all together.....why won't they just disappear??
I'm pretty shy around new people, but I once I get to know you, and feel more comfortable around you, I will open up completely
On that note, I am a very trusting person, almost to the point of fault
I have eyes that tell a thousand stories


My Daddy wrote me this for my 19th birthday, and I think it sums up so perfectly well who I am, and my Pisces soul.  Some of the things he references are personal inside things, but it's a GREAT poem.  It is framed in my bedroom.

Lex In the Mind's Eye

Plastic sandals wearing skinny legs
Chase elusive prey of whimsy,
arms conducting unseen notes;
A symphony, an ode to magical dreams.

Fast and faster she springs and soars,
Weightless and giddy with pure-spun trust,
She glides then reaches for
waiting arms,
laughter reigning over
gravity's prison.

A boundless spirit under
mud and smiles,
Enchanting, crinkling
eyes reveal
A soul untamed by
circumstance,
Indominatable,
untethered, eager...
Free.

I so love it.

I'll expand more later.

-Lex

I decided I'm in the mood for one of those ' I remember' blogs... If i have time.  I might have to cut it short. Like I have done before, just whatever comes to my head, I write.

I REMEMBER:

The epic castle, and the events that took place in its vicinity
"Ya spastic little gremilin!"
The way it felt when Sam touched my hand at the light on our first date
Fainting at Nik's pool, hitting the ground hard, landing in rocks, ouch
Playing three way catch with Dad and little Nick, all baseball and mitt
Golf every Saturday with Sam and crew
Murray park with Sam
Tickle, tickle, and then tickle some more
Eyes too nervous to look at me
"You'll probably regret talking about strippers" haha
Getting caught in the act in the office, hiding in storage, oh how humiliating
All my beautifully wrapped Xmas gifts, 2010
In fact, Xmas 2010 was great all together
Making pet rocks
Making my Xmas cookies, they turned out so good 2010!
Making bargain my bitch at work
In fact, making work my bitch at work hah. Kick ass, take names
Munching down on early bought Valentines candy
Having many epic munch downs with Sam
"CHAWLK"
Emails like buried poetry
Seeing my 401K hit a grand
Spending almost $160/mo. on gas  fucking commute
Snowboarding with Sam, getting lost more than once
How sad I was when my Snake plant fell off the window sill, I said love grows like plants, and that shattered me for a couple min
But I got a new one :)
AH, watching all the Lost episodes, what a good kick!
Going to the Gem Fair with Sam, that was AWESOME
Falling in love with Pecan Pie
Falling in love with robes, I can't think of a comfier piece of clothing
Reminiscing about massages
Catching up on years, skipping around like crazy, mostly nerve induced
How proud I was when I finally got insurance
Getting stoked and a half for Vegas with Jennee
The way he smelled
I kept randomly smelling him all day
Wow, forgot how gorgeous those eyes are
Sweet Sophia and our Halloween plans, 2011
"You like that ring?"  Was kindof an awkward moment...
Going to pick out my gorgeous promise ring with Sam
Knowing that everything will be okay....

I feel motivated right now to do some blogging.  Today is that ONE day.  Life changing, I sure hope so .Not only life changing for me though....  Forgive the enigmatic atmosphere I am creating, I only do it out of necessity. 

Oh boy I sure do feel geared up, I feel sure of myself and ready.  God damn it feels good to feel like that.  There are obstacles, indeed, that need to be worked through, and they will be.  And on the other side of the storm, there is heaven.  There it is.  I can see it, and it's not too far out of reach either.  Just need to weather the storm, stay strong, stick up for myself and what I believe in, and not lose sight of what I want.  I was a fool to EVER lose sight, but I'm trying to repair that now. All will be okay.

A plan, a plot, we devise;
hatched out of many words
and pure spun love.
A tale of torture, treachery, and timing;
one not soon to be forgot
in the minds of many, ours will hold.
Be this wrong, or be this right
a yearning heart will someday harden.
Better to give it what it wants,
and dive in;
the water is warm.

Not the most sensicle of writings, but it came out like a wildfire once I started, so it is what it is. It's all happening.

Thank you for holding on. And never giving up.

-Dango

Hello again blogdrive. I've been reading back to my old blogs, and it seems that I'm always apologizing for being so scatterbrained.  Lol, why do I apologize on my own damn blog?

Things have changed again, which is good!  Life should change often, if you're lucky.  I'm beginning to find my own voice, and learning, slowly, who I am.  This is who I am.  I am an extremely introspective person.  I am finding more and more that if I can just truly listen to myself and my heart that my life will go in the exact direction that I want it to go. Needless to say, I am tuning into myself much more than I ever have.  And wonderful things are happening. 

Let us not talk about who I am with right now, at least not yet.  I am ready to explore me and my life first, not to be defined by the person who I am with. (though I am with someone fantastic, who deserves many many more words. I'll get to him shortly). This year has been intense, introspective, life-changing.  Literally starting January 1st, something in me just changed.  I remember it so specifically too, even down to the time.  It was 5:30 Antemeridian and I was virtually alone ( Kye was asleep ), I was winding down from a night of psychedelic drugs (sounds much crazier than it truly was). I had been watching info-mercials out of boredom, when this yoga program started that I guess they do every morning at the butt-crack of dawn, when I was usually still in bed.  Just watching these limber, happy looking people, stretching out their bodies to some up-beat Reggae music, inspired me. And that did it for me, it initiated a series of life-altering changes for me.  It made me realize how lazy I was and how unattended-to my soul had been.

Granted, it took time to get my life to a point that wasn't leading to destruction, but in the most desperate of times when my mind simply could not take it any more, my heart took charge and got me out of there.  My life is most assuredly not leading to destruction anymore. I do not, am not, nor will I ever again, allow myself to be with or around destructive people. 

These crazy times.  So far being twenty has been the most crazy of the crazy years.  Even despite all the bullshit, I am thoroughly enjoying my twentieth year.  I am, indeed, much more sure of myself than I was as a teenager, however, I do sense that this will happen all over again, over the years.  Perhaps someday I will read back to this and think how naive I was.  I do, though, think that this is the early voice of who I will truly be for the rest of my days.  I suppose that I have been working on my 'voice' since the day I was born, but I know what I mean.

What I have found is something that I have known all along, I have just been too immature to be ready for it until now, I need discipline in my life.  I have said it before, in fact, I have said it on these pages (if you can call them that) before.  But now I am trying to embrace that theory as more than just a theory, as a lifestyle.  Integrating discipline into every instance of my life.  It is no easy task, and I am constantly faltering, however, I am making an honest effort.  If I catch myself becoming lazy on a certain subject, I don't worry about it, and I don't give myself a hard time if I forget something, all I do is simply just pick right back up where I left off.  The more I do this, the better I become at it.  Like I said, it is a lifestyle, and I chose it for myself.

I pray, I do guided journaling, I stretch my body, I take deep breaths, I clean my car, I keep my things organized, I keep up on laundry, I get to work on time, I work hard at work, I speak with my family, I listen to my Dad, I let myself be in honest love, I save my money, I started a 401K, I visit Louie, I take him to the park, I have a plan to reduce my spending habits, I drink lots of water, I eat 5 fruits and veggies a day, I do 100 crunches a day.  All these things and more I try to do consistently, many of them  every single day.  But if I do forget to do one, or I just never get around to it, I don't give myself a hard time.  Even if I go a few days, weeks, without doing one of them (haha maybe not laundry), I won't fret about it, just as long as I pick back up where I left off.  I figure having good habits that I might forget to do every once in a while, is better than having no good habits at all.  And the more I remember to pick up on them, the better I will get at doing them, and the more consistently I will do them, until it is just something I do.  In so many words, I merely attending to my soul. I am doing the things that I feel are necessary to move forward and be content.  I don't need much, really.

Having said all that, there is also another aspect of my life that this blog will not be complete before having being mentioned.  Samuel.  My sweet Samuel.  I don't need to say much, just that I finally got my heart to the right place to attract someone absolutely wonderful for me.  Not to say that I haven't been with an absolutely wonderful person before, I have, twice.  But while they may have been ready for me, I was not ready for them.  Now I am there.  And it is great, better than great.  My soul is full, my heart is ever expanding.

Now, before you go thinking that my life is perfect or something, ask yourself this:  Who's life is?  Oh, believe you me, I am faced with internal battles and struggles alike, I have just found a better way to cope with them.  I love myself now more than I ever have, so i just know that whatever comes my way will somehow be just exactly what I needed.  Life is not easy, and if I want mine to be halfway decent it will take work, and I am finally seeing that clearly for the first time.

All this may sound horribly cliche, but I don't care.  I'm happy.  I'm doing things right, and so far the pay-off has been well worth it. :) Did I mention that I am going to be manager soon?

Until next time.

I just feel like I could scream my head off.  Seeing me you would think that I am perfectly happy and content.  But isn't everyone, then?  Inside I'm raging.  I need to get out of here.  Trying to pick the pieces up of my incredibly fragmented life, I've done it all to myself. I need a clean break in the worst way. I'm working on it, don't worry.  As if anybody gives a fuck about this.

Phew slow down Lexie, you might say some things that you will regret.  I've done nothing wrong, but that is almost the problem.  I feel like a tornado, speed up, slow down, whisk people into my life then spit them out. Always changing, always chaos, but for the eye of the storm, there is in me, somewhere, the peace that I seek.  I try to tap into it, I really do.  I'm just trying to stay fucking strong.  How can I not be strong??  If I'm not, nobody else will be for me.  How am I not myself??

Strength, emotions, all rubbed raw. There is a storm inside of me. Here it is now, coming to the surface.  Now it washes over me like a wave. Gone again. Deep breath. Maybe my silly human body just needs a good cry or something. Fucking humans. I laugh because I curse myself.

She sits at the desk, hands hovering over the keyboard, brain wracking for what it is she want's to say.  The waves have subsided, at least for the moment. Unexplainable as it is, she seems to feel better, in an overwrought type of way. 

One moment one feeling, but more than just a feeling, I find I cannot explain,  It's more of a being than a feeling.  One moment I'm living in one reality of being, convincing myself of it's solidness, the next moment I'm shifting into another reality of being.  When will I ever find the balance?  It seems that I am fated with wildness. My soul is wild and thrashing.  Who can tame it?  Perhaps myself?  Believe you me, I am trying.

Thanks blogdrive.

So I sorta fell out of touch with blogging after I had a miscarriage. Yes, I had miscarriage June 28th 09. I really would rather not talk all too much about that though. It was absolutely the worst thing that's ever happened to me, it was extremely painful physically as well as emotionally. Time truly is the best remedy, however. While I would give anything to still have my baby healthily growing inside me, I do realize now that it is sort of a second chance for me. Next time around I will be ready, really, truly ready.

Also a good remedy, puppies. Yes, I got a puppy a few weeks after my miscarriage. Little Louie Dog half pitbull, half boxer, and 100% puppy. Louie made everything feel right again. He's  not so much a puppy anymore though.... when I got him he was five weeks old, now he's about five MONTHS old. Troublemaker? Yes. But if you know me at all, you know how big of a softie I am for animals. I really love my animals more than anything. I couldn't imagine life without them. 

Other than all that, life has been pretty much the same. Which is sort of the problem. I'm craving change. In what way, I still have yet to figure out. I just feel like I have so much more living to do. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy domesticity, but I'm nineteen, I should be out doing things I've never done before. . . or at least that's what my heart is telling me. I've never been so good at following my heart.... and I think it's time I start. I have some plans, but nothing is set in stone yet. I'm just ready to be free, to do what I want to do, to make my own life for myself, and do things that I will be proud of.

Speaking of which, I got a promotion recently. Which is so totally awesome for me. What better a way to begin living a life that I will be proud of then to get a promotion? This is the beginning of everything for me, and I know it is. I am now Head Cashier at Barnes and Noble. I will miss cafe greatly, because I really love making coffee, and being a busy bee, but now I will be guaranteed full time hours, plus a raise, and benefits. Head Cashier is sometimes people's career for life. It certainly wont be mine for life, but it feels good to have more of a career, and less of a job. It also feels good to put on nice business casual clothes when I get ready for work, instead of my raggedy all black cafe garb.

So that's my life as it is rignt now. I'll try to keep this updated more.... but no guarantees.

-Lex